i finally realized that all my life i have done things and lived my entire life compulsively. and i am very ashamed to let this be known, but i need to fix it so i am just gonna try to let it fly into the air so i can try to get rid of it. I've always tried to come up with reasonable explanations so it doesn't sound so abnormal ("i am stressed" or "i need to vent", "i did my best" or "it was impossible anyway" etc), but it's actually all just me. my vain desires and vain dreams, absurd obssessions and just bare greed. i was able to sit at my desk for hours and hours overnight because i just wanted to be the best. i wanted to be better than anyone i know, i wanted to situate myself above anyone and feel the ecstacy of being on top of everyone. i wanted to be famous and admirable and reputable, and the most wrong thing about it was that i wanted to be the best in everything. every single little thing i could have imagined. and that attitude has just gotten all over myself. I have wasted so much time and i was never really able to relax and do what i want to do at any moment. compulsive eating and compulsive dieting. compulsive shopping. compulsive organizing and compulsive cleaning. i am so tired of myself. there is nothing to blame for since my whole life and my entire being is just so wrong. and that's why i am unable to leave my computer now as i am compulsive about finishing this stupid xanga entry while i would rather go to the other room and lie down on the bed and read or something like that for the rest of the night. i just feel that i am never gonna achieve anything or ever be happy if i keep doing this. i still don't know whether my priority and goal in life is success or happiness, the two things that usually don't go together. but i know that it's not working out either way. it's just plain gross what type of person i am. i never meant to become this kind of being. the seemingly proud and hardworking/smart person who is actually quite lazy and doesn't do anything more than what average people would do but who tries and wants to appear as distinguished. isn't that lame. | 
